The letter
by Inpi
Summary: A letter written by Brittany to Santana - "That was the day I realized you knew it, you knew I was madly in love with you and I didn't even deny it, I just nodded and smiled." -


Dear Santana,

I'm sorry for not being brave enough to tell you this in person, I'm sorry that you have to read these words instead of listening to them and I'm sorry if they hurt you.

I love your brown eyes and the fact that you always say they turn green in the summer. I've never seen your eyes looking green but I always nod when you say it.

I love how you close your eyes almost completely every time you smile or laugh (I love how you laugh like a 4 year old kid who's completely free and happy with life and how I would recognize it anywhere) and I love the way your eyes shine when you open them after it.

I love the way you look with your glasses on even though you hate wearing them and refuse to wear them outside the classroom.

I love how you close your eyes just a small bit when you can't see something well and when you don't see it anyway, you just look away as if you weren't even looking at it.

I love how you constantly roll your eyes like a bored teenager listening to her mother's speech, the one she has heard a million times.

I love the signal between your right eyebrow and eye; it makes me want to kiss it.

I love the 3 visible scars on your skin: the one on your hand from when you got burned with a curling iron; The tiny one situated one inch under your right eye, the one you got from crying too much when you were a kid; and the one on your chin, which you got when you fell down as a child (I love the way you talk about your childhood as if you were the happiest kid alive)

I love how you go from sexy to cute in only a couple of seconds and I love the fact that you're both the cutest and sexiest girl I have ever seen. I also love how we can't not flirt with each other, how we're constantly drawn to each other and how I constantly have to fight myself to keep my hands away from you.

I hope you know I love your mother. I remember the day we met. Everything was going fine, I was at your house with 3 other people, and we were going to watch a movie so we decided to make popcorns. I was waiting for two of our friends to finish making sweet popcorns (which I don't like) so I could make the salty ones. And then they burned the popcorns and there was a lot of smoke and the whole kitchen smelled like burned popcorns. That's when your mother appeared out of nowhere, totally pissed off because she thought we were burning her kitchen and of course I was the lucky one who got caught holding the bag of burned popcorns. She thought it had been me so she yelled at me in Spanish for 20 minutes or more and I have to confess I was scared. I never told her it hadn't been me but you did. I also remember when you told me she likes me and how happy I was when I heard it.

I love how clingy you are when you're sleeping, even when you fall asleep on the opposite side of the bed. I loved the first time you slept next to me. You were on my left side, I was facing the ceiling and you were facing me. I still remember the moment you got closer and your feet brushed mine and you just let them stay there. I remember how your feet trembled and I got scared and heard you giggle and say it was ok. What I remember the best is when I turned my head to you and it was really dark but I knew you were just a couple inches apart because I could feel you breathing on my face. I think I saw you smile. Your eyes were closed but I knew you were awake so I just stood there with my feet against yours, my body facing the ceiling and my head facing you, thinking that you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

I love the way you kiss my cheeks in the sweetest way possible and how, after 3 years, my skin still tingles every time you do. I remember when you kissed me once and said that you had never kissed anyone so sweetly, not even on the lips. No one had or has ever kissed me like that. That's probably because you never kissed me on lips and I never had the courage to kiss you either. But we almost kissed twice. The first time was at school, when you stole our friend's cellphone and ran into the bathroom and I ran after you. You ran into a stall and closed it but I climbed the one next to it and got inside it. I landed right in front of you. You had your back against the door and I tried to grab the cellphone but you didn't move so we just stood there, looking at each other, my left hand holding your right hand, our faces inches apart and our breathing erratic. I wanted to kiss you so badly. But I never did. The second time was also at school. We had just gotten inside the changing room to change for P.E. We were alone and you asked me if I could hold something and after giving it to me you got closer and, like couples do to thank each other, you leaned in to kiss me. You did it with such easiness, like we were a couple, it was almost like you didn't even know you were doing it, like it was a reflex and maybe that's why you stopped and walked way like you do when you feel embarrassed. You never kissed me that day but I think I felt your lips on mine. It was so close.

I loved that one day you caught me staring at you and you said, "Wow" and I asked you what was wrong and you answered, "you were looking at me so sweetly". That was the day I realized you knew it, you knew I was madly in love with you and I didn't even deny it, I just nodded and smiled.

I remember that day when we danced together, we had danced together many times before but I'll never forget what you said that day. We were at a friend's party and you asked me to dance with you even though your boyfriend was there too. Of course I said yes, I would never say no to you. We danced for a little while, I had my arms around your waist and you had yours around my neck. I have to confess that I have no idea what song was playing, I was so happy in that moment that we could have been dancing to our friend's voices and I wouldn't have noticed. And then you said it: "It feels so good to dance with you. It's better than dancing with him."

Finally I must tell you the stories of how you almost broke my heart twice:

The first one was when you started dating my best friend. I have no idea why you two started dating because I know you didn't love him and I also know he didn't love you. I probably remember that day better than you. You two went to another room and even before you left the room we were in, I knew what was going to happen. I felt sick, like someone had punched me in the stomach. That's until you returned from the other room and told me you were dating. Then I felt like throwing up, like I'd been stabbed in the heart. Everything changed from that day on. I couldn't look at my best friend's face the same way, I knew it wasn't his fault, I knew he didn't know I was in love with you, even though I talked about you all the time, but I still felt betrayed. I was able to pretend everything was fine for a few months but then it started hurting too much and he started getting jealous of us, so I stepped away. That's when I lost my best friend. Worse, that's when I lost you.

The second one was after I found out your boyfriend had cheated on you. I was furious, I wanted to tell you but I didn't want to hurt you. Until one day someone told you. You were broken; he broke you and lied to you. He told you he hadn't done it and I don't know if you believed it or not but you forgave him. I remember the day you got back together because that was the only time my love for you got smaller.

Unfortunately (or not) that was not the day I got over you and because of that you really did break my heart once. It was supposed to be a good day. We were going to visit the city with our friends. We were standing at the train station, waiting for a friend of ours to arrive. And then I heard it. Not from your mouth but from someone else's. "She's moving to Switzerland this year". That was the moment everything stopped, my head, my heart, even time itself, and I felt like crying but we were at a train station and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop. I had to know if it was really true so I grabbed your arm, pulled you aside and asked you if you were really moving away. I still remember the look on your eyes as you said "yes", it was a look of shame, one I had never seen in your eyes and that's when my heart broke, with one simple word, the one I had always wanted to hear from you: First when I asked you if I could kiss you, then when I asked you if you wanted to date me and later when I asked you if you wanted to marry me, move in with me and have kids. But that was the word that broke my heart.

I just hope you find someone who makes you happy because that's all I want: for you to be happy. And if for some reason we bump into each other one day and I ask you how your life is and you tell me about your husband and kids, my heart will break all over again but I'll know you're happy.

Love,

B.S.P


End file.
